Joke of the day

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Joke of the day

Post  testarossa60new on Tue Aug 18, 2009 10:17 pm

This Red Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look
on his face.

"Say,Mom," he asked, "why is my bigger brother named 'Mighty Storm'?"
"Because he was conceived during a mighty storm.",she replied.
"Why is my sister named 'Corn Flower'?"
"Well," his mother answered, "Your father and I were in a cornfield
when we made her."
"And why is my other sister called 'Moon Child'?"
"We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived,"
the mother replied.
The mother then asked the boy, "Tell me, Broken Rubber, why are
you so curious?!

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Re: Joke of the day

Post  testarossa60new on Thu Aug 20, 2009 2:24 am

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: "Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restrooms at a rest stop but, I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassedly: "Doin Just Fine!"

And the other guy says: "So what are you up too?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: "Uhhh I'm like you, just traveling east!"

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.

Can I come over to your place after while?

Ok, this question is just wacky but i figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.

I tell him, "Well, I have company over so today is a bad day for me!"

Then I hear the guy say nervously...











"LISTEN"

I'll have to call you back,
there's an idiot in the other stall who keeps
answering all my questions

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Re: Joke of the day

Post  testarossa60new on Fri Aug 21, 2009 2:21 am

An Italian, an Irish man and a Chinese man all get jobs at a
construction site. The boss of the site walks up to the three
men, points at a pile of sand behind him and then pointing at
the Italian says "You're in charge of sweeping". He then points
to the Irish man and says "You're in charge of digging". Finally
he points to the Chinese man and says "You're in charge of
supplies." He carries on speaking "I'm going to be gone for a
while and when I come back I expect to at least see you guys
have made a dent in that pile".

The boss comes back two hours later to find the pile of sand
untouched, and the Italian and Irish man standing by. He walks
up to them and shouts "what the hell have you been doing for
the last two hours, and where's the Chinese man?" The Italian
tells him "you put us two in charge of sweeping and digging, but
we don't have a broom or a spade. You put the Chinese man
in charge of supplies, but he's disappeared." The boss looks
round and searches for the strange Orient. Suddenly when the
boss approaches the pile of sand, the Chinese man jumps from
behind the sand and yells "Supplies!"

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Re: Joke of the day

Post  testarossa60new on Sat Aug 22, 2009 2:02 am

** Computer Problem **

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Rick the computer
guy, to come over. Rick clicked a couple of buttons and solved the
problem.

He gave me a bill for a minimum service call.

As he was walking away, I called after him, "So, what was wrong?"

He replied, "It was an ID ten T error."

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired: "An ID ten T
error? What's that ... in case I need to fix it again?"

The computer guy grinned.... "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T
error before?"

"No," I replied.

"Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out." So I
wrote out ...... I D 1 0 T

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Re: Joke of the day

Post  testarossa60new on Mon Aug 24, 2009 1:44 am

Fifth grade class an assignment

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and 1 by 1 began to tell their stories.

"Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes ma'am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Barbara. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops. She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens" said the horrified teacher. "What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?"

"Stay the **** away from Aunt Barbara when she's drinking."

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Re: Joke of the day

Post  testarossa60new on Tue Aug 25, 2009 2:05 am

things u dont want to hear during surgery

1. ''Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.''

2. ''Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop.''

3. ''Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness''

4. ''Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!''

5. ''Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?''

6. ''Hand me that... uh... that uh... ..thingie.''

7. ''Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.''

8. ''Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?''

9. ''Damn, there go the lights again... .''

10. ''Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them.''

11. ''What do you mean you want a divorce?''

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Re: Joke of the day

Post  testarossa60new on Wed Aug 26, 2009 2:34 am

(Act 1)
Ah Beng calls the telephone operator:
Ah Beng: "Could you please tell me the time difference between Singapore and New York?"
Operator: "Just a minute..."
Ah Beng: "Thank you."
Ah Beng got his answer and cut off the line.


(Act 2)
At a bar in New York, the man sat next to Ah Beng told the bartender, "JOHNNIE WALKER, SINGLE."
and his companion said, "JACK DANIELS,SINGLE."
The bartender turned to Ah Beng and asked, "AND YOU, SIR?"
Ah Beng replied: "Tan Ah Beng, MARRIED."


(Act 3)
After completing a jigsaw puzzle he'd been working on for quite sometime,
Ah Beng proudly shows off the finished puzzle to a friend.
"It took me only 5 MONTHS to do it," Ah Beng said.
"FIVE MONTHS? Why did you take so long." the friend asked.
Ah Beng replied, "No, it is not long at all, look ! at the box, it says it is for 4 to 7 years".

(Act 4)
Ah Beng took part in the Singapore Manhunt Competition.
During the Q&A segment, the host asks, "Name a drink that begins with the letter 'G'."
The crowd shouts, "Gin! Gin!". Others exclaim, "No, its Grape Juice!"
Another smart aleck yells, "Alamak, Gatorade!"
Host : "Quiet please."
Ah Beng laughs hysterically like a hyena before replying,
"C'mon man, I don't need their help? I got more original answer. My answer is "Gu ni!" (milk in Hokkien)

(Act 5)
Ah Beng had just bought a new computer and was using it when he encountered some problems.
After a few attempts, he decided to use the 'Help' command.
Soon after, he became very irritated and called the computer shop for support.
Ah Beng : "I pressed the 'F1' key for help... but it's been over half an hour & still nobody has come to help me...."

(Act 6)
In the class.
Teacher: "Class, do you know the meaning of parents?"
Ah Beng: "Yes, teacher, it means father and mother."
Teacher: "Good. Can you give me an example?"
Ah Beng: "Sure. Cowboy's parents means cowboy's father and mother. Also can say Cowboy's father is Cow Pay and Cowboy's mother is Cow Boo.
So if they walk together, we can say they are 'Cow Pay Cow Boo'."

(Act 7)
Ah Beng with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and
he answered," I was ironing a shirt and the phone ring lor- but instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear. So Kena lor!""Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what happened to the other ear?"
Ah Beng: "That stupid fellow called back again loh!"


(Act 8 )
Why did Ah Beng go to! a movie with his 18 friends?
Because according to the advertisement, below 18 is not allowed to go in

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Re: Joke of the day

Post  testarossa60new on Thu Aug 27, 2009 1:33 am

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, "Never mind, I found one."

--------------------------------------------------------
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


-----------------------------------------------

Paddy was in New York

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, "Okay, pedestrians." Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, "Pedestrians!" for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, "Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?"


----------------------------------

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"


----------------------------------------

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"


-----------------------------------------

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "And how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charles, "Now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you little chicken."


----------------------------------------------

Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post  testarossa60new on Fri Aug 28, 2009 1:14 am

WIFE:
What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?


HUSBAND:
Definitely not!


WIFE:
Why not - don't you like being married?


HUSBAND:
Of course I do.


WIFE:
Then why wouldn't you remarry?


HUSBAND:
Okay, I'd get married again.


WIFE:
You would? (With a hurtful look on her face).


HUSBAND:
(Makes audible groan).


WIFE:
Would you live in our house?


HUSBAND:
Sure, it's a great house.


WIFE:
Would you sleep with her in our bed?


HUSBAND:
Where else would we sleep?


WIFE:
Would you let her drive my car?


HUSBAND:
Probably, it is almost new.


WIFE:
Would you replace my pictures with hers?


HUSBAND:
That would seem like the proper thing to do.


WIFE:
Would she use my golf clubs?


HUSBAND:
No, she's left-handed.


WIFE: - silence - -


HUSBAND: - F**K! ......

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Re: Joke of the day

Post  testarossa60new on Sat Aug 29, 2009 2:57 am

GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM.
"Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself. But desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3-day/10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there's a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old young lady dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me!" Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, "I like the way this company does business!" The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens.

On the fourth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10lb. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/ 20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there
stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me, you can have me." He's out the door or after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while to catch her, but when he does, it is worth every cramp and wheeze. For the next four days, the same routine happens.

Much to his delight, on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program."Absolutely,"he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years".

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you're mine."

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Re: Joke of the day

Post  testarossa60new on Sun Aug 30, 2009 2:19 am

Apparently the following conversation is real and it has been circulating on the Internet and emails for some time now.

This is so priceless, and so, so easy to see happening, customer service being what it is today.

A lady died this past January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she died, but now, it's somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call to Citibank.

Here is the actual conversation that transpired:

Family Member: 'I am calling to tell you she died back in January.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'

Citibank: 'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'

Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'

Citibank: 'Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'

Family Member: 'Do you think God will be mad at her?'

Citibank: 'Excuse me?'

Family Member: 'Did you just get what I was telling you - the part about her being dead?'

Citibank: 'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'

Supervisor gets on the phone:

Family Member: 'I'm calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.'

Citibank: 'The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.'

Family Member: 'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'

Citibank: (Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'

Family Member: 'No, I'm her great nephew.' (Lawyer info was given)

Citibank: 'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'

Family Member: 'Sure.' (Fax number was given)

After they get the fax:

Citibank: 'Our system just isn't setup for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'

Family Member: 'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won't care.'

Citibank: 'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.' (What is wrong with these people??)

Family Member: 'Would you like her new billing address?'

Citibank: 'That might help...'

Family Member: ' Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.'

Citibank: 'Sir, that's a cemetery !' ?

Family Member: 'And what do you do with dead people on your planet???'

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Re: Joke of the day

Post  testarossa60new on Mon Aug 31, 2009 1:30 am

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility. ..


Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"


A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."


Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"


A: "The officer who responded to the scene."


Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"


A: "Yes, sir. With my life."


Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"


A: "Yes sir, we do!"


Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"


A: "Yes sir, I do."


Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"


A: "Yes sir."


Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"


A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

*********

The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best Comeback" Line -- I think he'll win.

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Re: Joke of the day

Post  crazzycat on Fri Jan 15, 2010 8:21 pm

great jokes guys!

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